Day 91: I think this is what they call a "glimpse backstage"

Uffda. Remember when I said I would never skip two in a row? I never said I wouldn't skip 5 in a row, so here we are.

Today's selection is a little something I wrote for Mad King Thomas' upcoming performance by telephone, without explanation or further comment.

Waiting, watching the other two.
Nervous and laughing.
Like a second grader.

Proud and competent, sexy
The star of the show
You feed off the crowd.
They are surprised at how good you are at this.
Ask them for love.
Your hair is so great.

Be on time.
Make sure you don’t fall down and get in line
You were born to do this
You are a beautiful swan

You have something else to do
You are the gracious host and you give the other two your best.
You smile at each other and wait.
You are out of breath and give up.
Don’t react.

Confess to your closest friends.
You are a little embarrassed.
Then you are defiant and you are not ashamed.
You are responsible.

You are blank, waiting, not a character.
Think about being at a bar and pretending not to wait for anybody.
Leering feels gross so you pretend to be innocent.
Be sad no one hears your line.

You are home alone and feeling lost.
This is delicious.
It’s delicious and nobody cares anyway.
Rinse it out so you can have more.
You remember this song from when you were young.
You remember watching it on the shag carpeting in grandma’s trailer.
There was a night sky and you loved how sparkly it was. You imagined you could fly.
Nobody is here to watch you.

You notice a beautiful thing.
You are nervous but interested.
You are reticent but instinct takes over.

They seem interested in you and you start pursuing.
You are overwhelmed and you don’t know exactly what to do.
You are awkward.
You get comfortable and find it comfortable to be bored.
You have a routine to pretend that you are interesting.
You don’t even know which direction you are facing; it doesn’t matter.
Nobody is watching.
This chocolate is far more interesting than that beautiful thing.

You are greasy
You are suffering a little bit
Don’t worry about holding that, it can stay in your mouth
You don’t worry
You can hold it all
Fuck looking good
Fuck all this stuff, it can go on the ground.
You are so sad
You don’t know why nobody loves you
You know that everyone is terrible but especially you but especially your ex.
God you feel really sick at this point. Your mouth is full of bits and they are disgusting.

But especially you.
You don’t want to stop eating though.
You have a point in being here. It is to consume everything
You would consume your beloved if you could.
This is the job you came to do.

Your hands are too disgusting. Good thing you came prepared.
There is only one last thing to eat and now it is delicious
It’s way more delicious to eat something that has hurt you.

It’s hard to swallow but you will get there.
Now you’re ready to perform.
Your body doesn’t quite fit.
Now you are scared and you are 12 years old.
Remember school dances in cavernous lobbies.
Remember the anxiety of being asked or not being asked to dance.
Remember the last song of the night.
Remember how the last song made everyone want to be on the dance floor even though it is terrible.
Remember band concerts.
Remember perfectionism.
You are trying really hard to do the right thing.
You are the accompaniment.
You are not the spotlight.
You are here to make the other two fall in love.
Hide the way you are shaking.
You are trying not to vomit.
That would spoil the moment.
Don’t go too fast.
But don’t go too slow.
You are neutral, get it right.
You are slowly stealing the show.
You are going too slow.
Rest, smile, feel proud.

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