Day 29: Bad days.

You've probably seen this checklist (maybe in PDF format) before. It's called Everything is Awful and I'm Not Okay.

I used to have lots of everything-is-awful-and-im-not-okay days. Lots and lots and lots of them. Some times I'd have, like, a whole month of them strung together. Sometimes it was everything I could do to get home at 6 pm and crawl into bed. (Wheeeeee.)

I've gotten a lot better at managing those days. I've learned how much sleep I need. I've learned to seek the positive whenever possible, and to disregard the nonsense in my brain. I've learned to go outside, or dance to good music. I've learned to just start working because sometimes that will get me over the hump. I have a whole tool bag now, most of which are encapsulated in that list. The biggest tool I have is believing that these moods will end, that they're usually caused by something OTHER than what a horrible human being I am, and that if I keep at it, I can turn the day around. I'm really proud of myself for developing these tools.

And some days it's still not enough.

The mind and body are tricky that way. You think you know how to do a thing, when a whole new problem arises. A single symptom can signify a whole slew of problems. Galen taught me the phrase "dynamic barriers", which I think describes this situation.

Today I have done All The Things to make it a better day. And while occasionally it became an okay day, on the whole it's fair to say it's been an awful day.

Right now I don't have any answers about this situation, or even any questions. I'm just sitting here with the knowledge that some days are complete pieces of shit for no reason at all. The primary flavors of today's emotional meal are: Fear, anxiety, self-doubt. Secondary aromas: Perfectionism, competitiveness, selfishness. I know a million reasons why I should feel differently, and yet I do not. I have a dozen strategies for changing this situation, and none of them worked. So here is a new strategy: Sharing it with you. I hope it works. If it doesn't, there is roast broccoli for dinner and then a warm bed. To a better day tomorrow.

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