Day 34: Work work work work work.

A scene from an episode of Mad Men is stuck in my craw:

Hilton: I think you know I'm in a bit of a crisis tonight.
Draper: I didn't know that.
Hilton: I think about my business day and night. And I'm a harsh critic, especially of myself. And sometimes it collects, and I feel bad. And then I realize maybe that's the reason I'm so lonesome.
Draper: You might be working too much.
Hilton: I'm not working enough.

Oof. There was another scene where Hilton literally demanded the moon from Don then walked out the door; I both cringed and applauded. Sometimes I think the current decade of my life is about finally accepting my own terribleness and walking out when someone doesn't like it; sometimes I think it's about shutting up and putting my head down.

This week, Friday came and as usual, I had to work to detach from the work week. In fact, I saw someone else feeling excited for the weekend and for a brief, awkward moment, couldn't figure out what they were excited about. Like, actually couldn't figure it out. I was excited what I was doing for my weekend, but I've apparently detached the concept of what I'm doing from the weekend. Time floats free and unfettered. Sometimes I think I can live without a clock as long as I have a timer. I get angry when Paul suggests I take Memorial Day off.

I don't mean to work like this, to fixate. I also feel, always, like I'm not actually working hard, like this is just the bare minimum. I also don't believe in working all the time. I wonder frequently if it's worth all this, and then I remember the haze of my past jobs and realize I'm not ready for that either. There's always a middle ground (as Charles Campbell once told me, "Has the versus got you down, Charlie Brown?") I believe it exists, but belief can waver. It's easy to forget what we believe in.

This isn't what I signed up for, but it's also interesting. The stakes are high. The options are expansive. I've begun to accept that I have a problem with authority, once I realized that a problem with authority could mean that you mistrust everything you don't know for yourself, not that you want to yell at teachers and crossing guards and whatever.

Hey! It would be useful to know what you're interested in. So vote for what you like!