A scene from an episode of Mad Men is stuck in my craw:
Hilton: I think you know I'm in a bit of a crisis tonight.
Draper: I didn't know that.
Hilton: I think about my business day and night. And I'm a harsh critic, especially of myself. And sometimes it collects, and I feel bad. And then I realize maybe that's the reason I'm so lonesome.
Draper: You might be working too much.
Hilton: I'm not working enough.
Oof. There was another scene where Hilton literally demanded the moon from Don then walked out the door; I both cringed and applauded. Sometimes I think the current decade of my life is about finally accepting my own terribleness and walking out when someone doesn't like it; sometimes I think it's about shutting up and putting my head down.
This week, Friday came and as usual, I had to work to detach from the work week. In fact, I saw someone else feeling excited for the weekend and for a brief, awkward moment, couldn't figure out what they were excited about. Like, actually couldn't figure it out. I was excited what I was doing for my weekend, but I've apparently detached the concept of what I'm doing from the weekend. Time floats free and unfettered. Sometimes I think I can live without a clock as long as I have a timer. I get angry when Paul suggests I take Memorial Day off.
I don't mean to work like this, to fixate. I also feel, always, like I'm not actually working hard, like this is just the bare minimum. I also don't believe in working all the time. I wonder frequently if it's worth all this, and then I remember the haze of my past jobs and realize I'm not ready for that either. There's always a middle ground (as Charles Campbell once told me, "Has the versus got you down, Charlie Brown?") I believe it exists, but belief can waver. It's easy to forget what we believe in.
This isn't what I signed up for, but it's also interesting. The stakes are high. The options are expansive. I've begun to accept that I have a problem with authority, once I realized that a problem with authority could mean that you mistrust everything you don't know for yourself, not that you want to yell at teachers and crossing guards and whatever.